These spammers are getting out of hand. I sent the following email to the Russian Embassy in Washington, DC.
Dear Russian Embassy,
Greetings! I am a senior official with the United States State Department and a special liaison to the president of the United States. I am contacting you on behalf of the president of the United States.
Our two countries have enjoyed a peaceful and mutually beneficial relationship since the Soviet Union went bankrupt and dissolved trying to keep up with America's military technology and defense build-up. HA! HA!...sorry. The United States is a peaceful nation and we value our relationship with the new Russian Federation. America is slow to wrath and Americans are a tolerant people. We know the women you put on those Russian marriage websites who are trying to find husbands in America are too ugly to get dates in Russia. We know that Kaspersky Internet Security uses so many CPU's that it will turn our computers into slugs. And we know that your overpriced "boutique" vodka's aren't even as good as most West Virginia moonshine. But do we take any action to stop any of this? No! Why? Because we're nice people.
When we Americans are not driving our big cars, eating surf & turf dinners with our trophy wives, counting our money, or thanking God that we weren't born in France, we like to gather on internet forums to discuss various issues. It is my sad duty to inform you that some citizens from your country have been spamming our internet forums, trying to sell us crap that we already get from China. Can't you people do anything to stop this? I mean, after all, you were communists for 70 years. You used to be pretty good at controlling people. You couldn't have forgotten everything?
The president has authorized me to inform you that you have 30 days to stop these aggressive, unprovoked attacks on our internet forums. If this aggression continues, America will enact sanctions against Russia, which will escalate in the following manner until you comply.
30 Days Non-Compliance: We will dispatch thousands of people to Russia and dress them up as Sponge Bob Square Pants and post them at intersections where they will jump up and down and waive at you as you drive by.
60 Days Non-Compliance: We will send Montel Williams to Russia and schedule him to do hundreds of newspaper, radio and TV interviews, and you can listen to him bitch, moan and whine about how his life sucks.
90 Days Non-Compliance: We will donate history books to all the schools in Russia. These history books will contain a chapter detailing the Russian Army's crushing defeat by France during World War II.
120 Days Non-Compliance: We will send the National Organization of Women to Russia to open branch offices in all of your cities.
It is our hope that this matter can be resolved without the use of sanctions. Psst...the president is probably going to get mad at me for telling you this, but we have weapons in space that can destroy you in seconds. You won't even have time to push the buttons of your nukes.
Have a blessed day,
Old Crazy (special liaison to the president)